Cowering in the dark recesses of your being - lost somewhere in the denial of your pain - lost to Borderline Personality Disorder - lost to your painful past experiences - is your authentic self which rests nestled in the centre of your inner-child who is the seat of your soul.
Is this the voice of your inner-child?
When I was young my needs weren't met. Now 'we' are older and still my needs are not met. I am your inner-child. I am young. I need you. Where are you? Why do you ignore me so? I hurt and I hurt and what do you do? -- You hurt me more and more, you ignore me, you neglect me, you abuse me, you cut me -- you hit me: YOU are doing everything to me that was done to you when you were me. Who have you become? Why don't you hear me? Why don't you love me? Who have you become?
You are not me anymore. You could not be and treat me this way. You could not be and be leaving me alone to be scared and to cry while you try to get what you think you need, immediately from whomever you think you can get it from -- no matter what. What about me? What about you and me?
Didn't it hurt when you were ignored? Didn't it hurt when you cries were not responded to? Didn't you feel worthless and shamed at the lack of love and nurture shown to you? I know I do.
Please stop hurting yourself. Everytime you hurt yourself you are hurting me too. You are supposed to take care of both of us. Please hear me. Please let me live too. Please stop beating me up for what you didn't get when you were little.
You are the parent I need. Why won't you be that parent for yourself and for me? Why are you protecting yourself from my sweet, aching innocence? You need me. You need my vulnerability. I am an important part of you. Hear me, see me, feel me, love me? Be there for me. Be here for me. If you will be here for me you will be there for you.
If you have Borderline Personality Disorder chances are that you are dissociated (to one degree or another) from your inner-child. Just as parents often cannot parent (outside) children any better than they themselves were parented it is also true that borderlines often cannot connect and have a healthy, loving relationship with themselves. This essentially means that you have abandoned and or are neglecting your inner-child in the same ways that you feel that you were abandoned and or neglected.
This abandonment and dissociation from your inner- child is the central motivating force behind most of your projection. You are thrusting out toward others the agony of this small, helpless, and needy aspect of yourself.
The way that I was able to stop all self-harm and any and all impulses to self-harm was through getting to know my inner-child; that part of myself that is the most vulnerable and tender and that is the most in touch and in tune with what I feel and why. The part of me that houses my vulnerability and that most needs my care and love.
I wrote and honoured a contract with my inner-child in which I promised never to hurt her again. I promised to stop hurting her and to respect her pain and her rights to be nurtured, respected and cared for. I had to stop the self-harm before I could integrate my inner- child. It was this integration that stopped the self-harm. I realized in my therapy travels that I had learned to abuse myself just as others had abused me. One day I realized that I hurt enough already -- I needed to stop adding to my hurt if I wanted to get better. I welcomed home my inner-child.
Turning to my inner-child and learning to relate to her meant that I had to face all of the pain that she had carried herself for years. Of course she was always a part of me -- but a dissociated and very unvalued part of me for years, sadly.
A major part of the work required to heal from BPD involves learning to be a parent, protector, nurturer, and teacher for this most precious and vulnerable aspect of who you really are.
Healing requires that you turn inward. Look inside to the roots of your authentic identity, honour them, respect them and cherish them. The roots of your authentic identity can only be found through the part of you known as your inner-child.
Just as you have suffered so too has your inner-child. Don't choose to let this suffering go on any longer. Turn to this aspect of yourself with love, sorrow, understanding and a willingness to listen and learn for it is at this very seat of your soul that you can meet with the pain that when released in a healthy and integrated way will see you become the person that you have always been meant to be -- this is what it means to be whole.
Suffer The Little (Inner) Children: Why? For how long? In the name of what?
Hear the cries of your wounded inner-child today and begin a new relationship with yourself toward being your own very best friend. Stop abandoning yourself time and time again. You deserve more. You are capable of more. Your inner-child deserves more. Love - loving yourself, accepting yourself -- and all that you feel truly is the way to heal this rift between you and the seat of your soul -- your inner-child.
Your most vulnerable weaknesses are truly the way to strength, health and character. Our weaknesses are really our greatest strengths when we stop acting out our pasts and when we stop expecting ourselves or others to be perfect. Let go of yesterday. Let go of all of the negative and toxic things that "they" said to you and stop saying those things to your precious inner-child. If you did not receive adequate parenting that met your needs the task for you now is to accept and grieve that loss. Parent yourself. Parent your inner-child. Stop looking to others to parent you now. It is that looking for the parent in others that destroys any potential for there to be healthy and lasting relationships.
The baby that you hear crying - is your inner-child - a central part of who you are. The child that you hear screaming - is you. The pain that is piercing your soul -- is yours - yours to face, yours to bear and yours to heal. Every time you make a choice to neglect the reality of your inner-child and to not take care of yourself (meet your own needs) you once again repeat the toxic cycle of shame and abuse that you have so suffered from yourself. End the cycle, reach in to your inner-child. Meet, greet and learn to accept and love your inner-child -- the very object that you must acquire constancy for and with first in order to heal.
© Ms. A.J. Mahari - May 14, 2000
Originally published at Suite101.com
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