So much pain. So much pain held for so long, so alone with it. Why? Why does everything have to hurt so much? I want to laugh, I really really do. I wish that I could know how to have fun. I really really do. Kids were not nice to me. Mom and Dad did not take care of me. They failed to teach me so much. I can see you sitting there, as you try to grapple with your feelings, feeling so lost when you feel mine rising up too. I know my feelings are very strong. I am demanding. I NEED!!! I need what I need and I need it NOW!!!
So many times I reached out my arms and there was no one who would reach back. There I'd sit with the emptiness of nothing to grasp on to. Hollow, empty air, air I coudn't get a hold of. I would feel absolutely breathless as I'd scream to no avail. No one would come, no one would hold me, soothe me, take my arms, my poor lonely, aching, empty, outstretched arms.
I know that you get mad at me cause you want to act all grown up and when I feel things strongly I act out and leave you feeling like you failed again. Not true. Point is that you need to help me with this pain if you really want to grow up. I can't even begin to grow up "to" you if you don't reach back and help me learn what they failed to teach me. So, if you help me, you really help you too, see?
So many years have gone by and I just can't wait anymore for you to take my pain. That's why I'm giving it to you whether you are ready or not. I really think you are ready but I'm afraid that if I don't push it at you and keep you aware of it that you will try to walk away from me again.
Please don't ever walk away from me again. Please don't ever leave me alone again, ok? I need you. I really do. I can't hold all this pain anymore. Please, please soothe me. Please please nurture me. Be here for me, yes ME!!!
Don't be afraid to admit that you can be as scared as I often am, ok? Don't be afraid to be human. I'll understand, really I will. I am not Mom and Dad. I won't judge you. I NEED you. I love you. I want to not only be helped by you but I want to love you.
I know you know that I am strong. Just like I know that you are stronger than you think you are. Here I am, the kid, propping you up. Will you prop me up some please?
I want to play. I want to know how to play. I need to play. I need to laugh. Oh, and man, do I need to cry. There were so many years, as you know, where we just couldn't cry no matter how much it hurt, no matter how many times we lost people we thought cared about us. I want to be an important part of your world. Do you hear me?
I often cry on my own, here in the dark. But it doesn't change anything until you let the light in and my sound out. You need to let the water flow down your cheeks so that I know that you care and that you have felt my pain. Then I can feel better. Do you care about me feeling better? Are you so used to being beside yourself that you'd rather live in all that denial while I'm in here dying? You can't live when I feel like I'm dying, trust me.
Hug me? Hold me? Protect me? Are we safe, yet? Are we safe? Answer me soon, k?
This page is © Ms. A.J. Mahari 2001