By A.J. Mahari
I hear you baby. Yes I have known for some time now how much pain you have held. I am so sorry that you had to hold all of that pain by yourself for so long, for us. I want to be there for you now, baby. I am doing my best. Sometimes, though, the pain is overwhelming. I think you can well understand that right?
I want you to know how much I love you and how much I appreciate and am SO grateful for your strength and determination. You are the reason that we have made it this far. You are my essence and the core of my strength. I know that baby. I value you very much. I believe you when you tell me what happened to you too baby. Know that.
Since there is so much that you didn't learn, remember, that I too, didn't learn a lot of what it is that we need right now. I am working to learn tons of this right now. I am doing the best that I can. Even things I know at times, are so difficult to actually deal with and feel. I am easily overwhelmed by the incredible amount of pain and loss that you truly have. Be patient with me. I am here for you and working to get better at that every day.
Sometimes, as an adult, it feels futile and childish, to me and on my part, to continue to cry for such seemingly old hurts. Hurts that are as immediate now as they were for you all those years ago, though, I know that. I am letting the tears flow down my cheeks more and more baby and I am learning to give sound to your agony. I hope that you are feeling freed by that when I'm able to do that. Oh, so much grief little one, I am so sorry again that you have had to hold all of this for all of these years. I will never leave you alone again, I promise.
You will never be alone again, sweethearts. I am here. If no one else, we have each other and that is such a big step forward for us and such a wonderful place to start. I know how much you need baby. (I know how much each and every one of you needs me.) Yes I do. Things take time though, even after they are acknowledged and we have integrated them with one another, still it will take some more time for us to heal many of these "original wounds." We can ache and cry together now. We can be here together with the pain instead of carrying it separately.
I am so aware of you now. I can feel your tugs. I understand when you are triggered. I can now feel the regression as it happens. I am okay with that too, don't worry. I will not ever again turn the anger of the pain against you. I will not re-abandon you. I will not continue to act like the parents did. I know that we need to grow up together. I welcome that. I love you, I really do. You are such a strong, smart, wonderfully-likeable little child. I love your laugh and your spirit.
I will not ever walk away from you again. NOT EVER! No way. After all the work and heartache it took to come to know you, understand you, treasure you and appreciate you I could never do that now. No matter how much pain there is or how much I hurt at times with the taking of your pain. I am here for you. I will continue to work to soothe and nurture you. Please be patient with my trial and error okay
I won't judge you either, baby. I love you and I need you too. I am much more complete when I include you and your feelings into the "real" me that I continue to unwind and get to know better. I am working to prop you up too baby. Thank you for helping us survive so much. Thank you for being such a strong kid. Thank you for finding all the very creative ways that you found for us to continue to make it. Even the ones that most trouble me today as we work to change those behaviours still inspire me. I am in awe of your courage and your strength.
Baby, little one of my heart, know that I am crying with you now. I may not always get the tears out and I may not always be able to stop right when you most feel the pain but I feel you there, I hear the screams, I feel the pain and I understand. I validate all of your pain and your experience. Please don't ever be afraid to share any memories with me. I trust all that you tell me, without question. You are the authentic self. You are trustworthy and deserving of my faith.
I am here to hug you now little one. Here's a big hug! I am holding you little one, always. Yes, baby, we are safe. We are okay. You are safe, you are okay. I have you firmly in my arms, my thoughts, my feelings, my heart and my reality. You are real and I accept you. See, little one, I answered you. I will always answer you. Thank you for all your patience and understanding. I am learning and doing the best that I can. Thank you so much for accepting me as I continue to struggle to take care of you and of me.
as of November 18, 2001
This page is © Ms. A.J. Mahari 2001