Shelters From The Storm-by Jana D.
To:"All Those who look into our eyes."
"Where do I begin? I have many to choose from. Many more than I can remember.
Of those I do remember, where should I start?
I could start with age four when I was sexually abused by a 'well loved' neighbor.
I could start at age nine when my teacher stripped me naked, bound my hands and feet, then threw me into a cold shower. All done to punish me for 'making up stories of a fine man.'
How about age fourteen when someone I loved and who supposedly loved me, beat me with a belt until I screamed and cowered into a corner? If those events aren't traumatic enough, then maybe I should choose the age of fifteen when I was blackmailed into becoming a 'brood bitch' for a black market adoption ring. Maybe I should start with all of the babies born to me that were taken from me either through 'adoption' or death.
Where then, does one start? Or more correctly. Where do 'many' start?
Maybe the gruesome details of all the traumatic incidents are not the important point. Maybe it is more important to tell you that when you look into our eyes you will see pain; more than many, less than even more. We think (most of us anyway) that the results of this pain are the most important consideration.
The results of this pain are 'us'. Many of us compacted into one body. It is called Multiple Personality Disorder. We would like to explain what this means to us.
MPD means missed days and weeks and for some of us even missed years; missed appointments, birthdays, holidays, weeks, and weeks of missed school and work.
It means embarrassment, sadness, humiliation, fear and most of all, a lifetime of confusion.
Once in awhile, it can even mean some good times. But most importantly, it means SURVIVAL.
Many would think that the pain of the multiple abuses would be enough to send most into insanity. So why, many ask, should they also suffer from the multitudes of minds? Suffer? We think not. We do not SUFFER FROM MPD. We SURVIVE because of MPD. Without it I and WE would have died long ago. MPD is our shelter from the storms.
We have come to the point where many of us have joined or integrated into others and before the end of this life, more will blend to make fewer. We doubt seriously, however, that we will ever fuse to make 'one'.
We don't consider this such a bad future.
Many people think that multiples must be 'one' before they are considered cured. This may be the case for many multiples and we consider them fortunate. But other multiples, like us, will be grateful for a compromise among our selves. We want people to understand that we may never be considered an individual. We want people's love and respect anyway.
We would like to leave all of you who read with this one thought: WE ALL WANT AND NEED YOUR LOVE AND UNDER- STANDING, so please don't condemn us for being us. Instead as you look into our eyes, see our pain and understand that ALL of us (you and us alike) are, or can become shelters from the storm."
"We Are All Very Hungry For Life"
"How fleeting the lightnes of my Spirit is. How heavy and endless are the Dark Moments, How long they seem to linger. Always to be lurking close by, Threatening. Waiting in every innocent Shadow. I run by joyful in movement, in spirit, unsupecting of their presence. Momentarily lulled into a sense of peace, of security and they Grab. And because I was not watching I am drawn tightly within their grasp. What to do? Do I exchange the fleeting moments of llifht free footsteps to be ever lost in caution and watchfulness Never to know the World or her Bounty No...I must Risk and run into the Peace and Freedom if for only a moment. For I am, We are, so Hungry!"
"From the Outside"
by Susan P.From the outside, people see just one; but from the inside, we all see each other, just as we are... ...little girls gazing out curioulsy at colored leaves dancing and playing in patterns on the pavement... ...little boys bouncing along and balancing bravely with arms spread wide as we step along the street curb... ...grown-up girls glancing both ways to look for cars and, seeing none, allowing the balancing game to continue until gently guiding us across the street... ...grown-up boys, as committed protectors, escorting us past any and all potential dangers with sincere and genuine caring.And this is how we are from the inside, all parts together, yet still our separate selves."
"Many of One"
by "All of Me" and the A-Team
Hi. My name is many, so many am I. I am a lady, but yet I am a man. I am an adult, yet I am a child. I am meek, yet I am bold. I have many talents and speak in many different voices, yet I am one. I have many in my family, big and small, yet I have none.
I can be many things at one time. I can be happy, but then be sad. Or I can be fun and then be afraid. I like to be at peace with myself, and yet I am only a piece of myself. I can remember almost everything but yet I forget all things. I have pain, but yet feel none at all. My thoughts are many, yet I hold only a few. My eyes see many things, yet my mind holds illusions.
I am old enough to think, yet too young to know. I can travel many places, yet I never leave the room. I can always see yesterday, and never remember today. I am big, but yet I am small. I am old, but no, I am young. I am me, yet I still become you. I have a lot of love, yet I hate. I have many friends, and yourng ones to play with, yet I am still alone. I talk to many people, and they talk to me, yet I talk not at all.
I hold a lot of dreams, and yet the dreams still hold me. I have a lot of ideas, and many fantasies too, yet I know them not at all. I can see and know what is real, yet I am in a fairy tale. I can talk of many things, yet I keep a 'secret'.I have but one life, yet I live many.
You know me, yet I not know you. You see the good, but I know the bad. You see the laughter, while I am sad. I hear many voices, yet there's no one around. I know not my faith, yet I have hope. I am all things, yet I am none. I can see and feel the sun, but I still walk in darkness. I can say one thing, but mean many. I hear the cries, yet you hear the birds. I know of things, yet not of life.
I know of people, but not as friends. So when you see me (yet I don't see you), speak to me as many.k And many will speak to you.
From the book: "Multiple Personality Disorder From the Inside Out" Edited by Barry M. Cohen, Esther Giller, Lynn W.
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