One of the little "nutshell" cards tacked on my office wall reads, "Feelings are not the problem; they are an important part of the solution." But sometimes it seems that feelings are not only a problem, it seems like feelings are THE problem. We worry incessantly, or we maintain a steady level of irritability just below the surface, or we live with persistent feelings of shame. Some us are not so subtle. These are the people who would say worry and irritability, for instance, are light weight problems compared to the fear, dread or panic that characterizes their lives, or the anger they have been stuck in for years.
A client recently pointed to the "feelings are not the problem" card and said, "Thom, I think you got this one wrong."
We talked about this for a good part of her session, and I continued to think about the accuracy (or lack of accuracy) of the nutshell for a couple more days. Not surprisingly --- because this is the case in the vast majority of "either/or" debates --- I have discovered that my client and I are both right.
We need to be able to distinguish between feelings that are problems and feelings that are part of the solution. Or more accurately, we must learn to use our feelings to create solutions rather than cause or complicate problems. The emotions themselves are neither positive nor negative; the difference is made by what we decide to do with them.
The distinction between productive and destructive use of our emotions is actually quite simple to make. Feelings that contribute to solutions act as motivation for us to change ourselves in some way. The change can be something big, like giving up an addictive behavior, or something smaller, like speaking your mind in a situation in which you would have previously remained passive. No matter what the specific change may be, the change occurs within the person experiencing the emotion. Even when the more obvious change needed is in someone else --- for instance an actively addicted husband --- the productive use of emotion will bring about change in how the wife responds to her husband. When a feeling is part of the solution, it acts as fuel to move us into some improvement in how we are thinking or behaving.
Feelings that are problems are like gasoline stored but not used. To maximize the use of this metaphor, imagine the gasoline stored in a shed without proper ventilation. And let's put stacks of old newspaper in the same shed. Get it? Dangerous fumes. Fire hazard.
One of the best ways to know if you are making good use of your feelings is to ask yourself, "Am I responding to the feeling in a way that will insure that later I will be finished with this particular feeling?" In other words --- again, like fuel ---once the work is done, the fuel has been transformed and expressed.
Later today I will meet with the client who started all this, and I will present her with my new improved nutshell card: "Feelings can be a problem, or they can be part of the solution." Everything's a work in progress.
DISCLAIMER: Be careful not to misinterpret this E-minder as support for compulsive and impulsive actions. Frequently the change that is called for is to sit still long enough to fully experience the emotion.
THE NUTSHELL: Feelings are like fuel --- highly explosive with tremendous potential for productive use.
© Thom Rutledge, LCSW
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as of January 19, 2002