Watch for my Ebook on the topic of being a Compulsive Over
Eater (as relates to being a sexual abuse survivor) coming very
soon. Check back at EBOOKS to order this ebook.
Up-date - February 17, 2005
This list is for all women who are heavy, over-weight, large, larger,
fat, and either working to come to terms with this and/or very proud of
it. We need to accept ourselves as we are and accept and support each other.
New Email List for FATANDPROUD WOMEN
Sexual Abuse and Compulsive Eating
It has certainly been and it remains my experience as a survivor that in times of great pain, loss, flashbacks and the virtually endless miriad of sexual abuse issues in my life that I do compulsively eat to in attempting to comfort or soothe myself. This is a long-established pattern in my life. Many, many survivors indeed have compulsive eating issues, and the all too often weight problems that result. Speaking for myself, there is much to the size equals safety theory, as well as the notion that since society in general looks down so harshly on fat people that to be a fat person is to be given space and to be more of less left alone. There is a tremendous amount of pain in this cycle. The main thing to be aware of here as you read this is that if you compulsively eat and you are fat and you are a survivor of sexual abuse you are certainly not alone. This in itself may not be very comforting but there is hope to change this. I am currently on the negative side of the cycle, compulsively eating more in frantic attempts to help myself out of pain while at the same time gaining weight. I have been in this before, gained over 100 pounds and managed to lose 70 of it. I kept the 70 pounds off until recently. With more issues presenting themselves in my healing journey and culminating in more realizations/ memories and much more pain I am again gaining. Please know that if you are in this situation also you and I are trying to help ourselves. Albeit not in the most productive way, however, there are things we can do to help ourselves. Some of these things will be discussed in pages I will be adding very shortly.
In the meantime a very paramount reality for anyone who is fat is that it is not a circumstance in which one has no value, or in which one is not loveable. We are who we are no matter what the size of the body may be. We need to strive to know this, strive to believe this, and strive to claim and own this! We have suffered enough already, we have been shamed and shamed, please hold your head up and do not allow yourself to be further shamed by anyone, including yourself!
© 1998 A.J. Mahari (soul)
More on Sexual Abuse and Compulsive Eating
I have recently seen on many web sites about compulsive overeating that we need to know that we will "one day" be "normal eaters". I do not agree with this; we may or we may not. I strongly object to the usage of the word "normal" firstly. Secondly, I think that we need to strive for health first and not some "normal eating pattern" or some "normal size".
As a sexual abuse survivor I am presently keenly aware that emotionally I feel a need (and or want) to be fatter -- it fuels my overeating. Physically, I would be better off not to get any heavier, I know this. So here is the bottom line, base conflict for me as a complusive overeater. Bigger continues to "seem" safer to that part of me that was so damaged and wounded by the abuse. Although I have worked much of this out when I am confronted with a lot new and or a lot of change I re-cycle back into compulsive overeating patterns that I do not engage in at other times. It is my response to the fear and uncertainty that I feel as I approach new things/people or situations. That feeling of uncertainty goes a long way back. It reminds me of lying in bed at night, terrified and waiting for my abuser to enter and begin...
Many memories are housed within our bodies. I can't help but think that our sizes, our eating patterns and so forth are all reflections of that physical dialogue played out emotionally through a deeper hunger -- a mouth hunger -- an emotional hunger -- a hunger to be loved and not hurt -- a hunger to be held safely and soothed -- a hunger to have a healthy separation between what is nurturing and what is sexual. A very deep and profound hunger and longing to be the child that one never had the opportunity to be due to all of the abuse that they had to endure.
I think that for sexual abuse survivors complusive overeating is experienced somewhat differently than it is by those who may have this disorder and were not sexually abuse. Though I would think that most who compulsively overeat, were sexually abused.
As a sexual abuse survivor I know that my inner-child is very sensitive to changes and to new things in my environment and life. I know that for this little girl she still equates pain with size -- small = annihilation and pain whereas bigger = safer, more powerful, the ability to command more space. Being fatter provides a buffer zone between me and others even if they are close, even if there is intimacy. A buffer zone which can both feel safe and be a source of pain and embarrassment in terms of society's expectation of what I "should" look like.
I have good times and bad times with my compulsions to overeat. I am not so sure that one day they will totally be gone. I don't try to imagine that or worry about that. I think it is more important that we learn to live with what is. I have also read on the web, professionals who deal with people like you and I (compulsive overeaters) who stress that we have to feel lousy about ourselves, depressed, guilty and lack self-esteem because we have ever-increasing health risks. I do not agree with this. I think that as we can increase our self-care we can minimize our risks. Not to belittle the fact that there can be health risks involved with the usual consequences of overeating -- being heavier -- life is full of risks. I think that to single out sexual abuse survivors who are complusive overeaters as having that much more risk than anyone else in life is not necessarily accurate. We are all experiencing varying degrees of the consequences of our overeating and we all have different health histories and risk factors as well. It is worth keeping your health in mind for sure, but it is not going to be helpful to dwell on it.
Many people who are thin have poorer health and many other health risk factors than many of us who are larger.
© March 7, 2000 A.J. Mahari
Change and Weight Gain
I have been up and down in weight over the last 10 or 15 years of my life. I first really got fat when my memories of sexual abuse began to emerge. Eating to soothe myself at times, is still, something that I do.
I have not ever gotten down to the size I used to be pre-sexual abuse memories. I used to be fairly atheletic but aging, emotional issues, back injuries and so forth have left me on the fat side for sure. I accept this about myself. I make no apologies for this.
Lately, again, with many changes taking place again in my life, I find that I am on the way up again in weight. I am accepting of this. In fact, whenever I really grow (emotionally) it seems that my body grows fatter too. When I have new risks to take and new tasks to accomplish I get fatter.
I think the main reason for this is that it gives me a much greater sense of being protected and of being able to face all that is new and scary that I have to face.
Granted, it has been my experience, that each time I encounter one of these major growth periods in my life, growth meaning, psychological/ emotional/spiritual and I get fatter I tend not to lose as much weight when things smooth out as I used to. This does leave me fat in general to one degree or another.
I have come to be the type of person who isn't overly focused on or worried about the size of my body. I accommodate it and it accommodates me.
We must be kind to ourselves no matter how fat we are. We must not let anyone abuse us because we are fat. We must not feel pressured to change by anyone else.
As sexual abuse survivors we must trust that our bodies know what they are doing. We are as we are because we need to be.
© A.J. Mahari, February 17, 2005
Please keep checking back as I will be writing an Ebook on this entire experience of my life and how I've come to accept my body no matter what size it needs to be.
This page was last up-dated on February 17, 2005