Firstly we must define "self".
"Self" is defined as "the identity, character, or essential qualities of any person or thing; one's own person as distinct from others; being uniform or the same throughout..." (Webster's Dictionary - Third College Edition)
Secondly hate implies a feeling of great aversion disgust and or dislike with malice and contempt. Hate results from an intolerance and void of acceptance for difference and for the vulnerability that is part of being human. It also results from the perpetuation of pain that is borderline reality when what "really" hurts is avoided at all cost.
Those with BPD do not have a well-defined sense of "self". They are not sure of their own identities. They search frantically for others to live through and be defined by. Borderlines are not consistent. They are not uniform at all. Borderlines are sitting on a repressed mountain of pain the sum of which they feel compelled to protect themselves from lest they be annihilated by what they actually feel. It is this dissociation from one's inherent vulnerability that is driven by the "self" known to the borderline - the "false self".
Many of those diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) struggle with self-hate. What is that commonly thought to mean? I think that many just identify that they "hate" themselves and leave it there. If you think about it how can a borderline hate a "self" they do not yet know? (or only partially know at best)
What I think a borderline hating his/her "self" really means is that he/she hates the sense of false "self" that he/she has been living from in an effort to avoid and with the result of having abandoned and reabandoned his/her true or authentic integrated "self".The borderline hates his/her pseudo "self". False or psuedo "self" thrives on hate, sabotage and the illusion of control which alienates one further from the reality that one's "self" is lost and unknown to him/her.
When I was borderline I thought that I too hated my "self". It is only in hindsight that I realize I couldn't have hated my "self" -- because I did know who I was -- I was alienated and dissociated from my "authentic self". (It took me over 20 years of hard work, tears, agony and pain to find this authentic self) Therefore, when I was borderline and believing that I hated my "self" who I really hated was my "false self"; what I really hated was that I did not know myself. I hated the me that was like my father (my main abuser). I hated the me that was still living in the past and I hated my inner-child who just would not ignore the pain the way I was able to for so many years. What I most hated, truly, was being an individual without a "self". I was not an integrated whole. I did not have a healthy ego. I was not able to think rationally consistently. I hated who I wasn't. I hated not knowing who I was. I hated the way I punished my "self" over and over for what others did to me. I hated the way I punished others over and over for what the significant others in my childhood had done to me. I hated the way that I projected out on to others what was really going in somewhere inside of my "self" -- the "self" that I was running as fast as I could to avoid; the "self" that I abandoned over and over again by living my life in the lies and the power games and in chaotic codependency instead of finding "ME" and helping "ME" and taking both care and responsibility for "ME". I hated how I tried to rescue others when I really needed to save and rescue my very lost "self".
Borderline Personality Disorder by its very nature is a recipe for self-hate due to the reality that anyone diagnosed with BPD has experienced something in his/her life that interfered with his/her emotional growth, maturation and "self-development". It is the very essence of this loss of "self" -- this most original abandondment of "self" that causes this hate.
So much of borderline "self" harm, I believe, based upon my own experience, has all to do with trying to strike back at those who hurt, abandoned, abused, and or neglected you. When you lash out at your "false-self" you are "them" hurting you all over again and this "false self" has a vested interest in keeping you dissociated from your "authentic self". What stands between you, "false self" that you know and "authentic self" that you long to find is your pain and your need to re-parent yourself and learn how to soothe, nurture and validate all of your reality, past and present.
In order for me to cross the bridge from hating my "false self" to getting to identify, know and love my "authentic self" I had to STOP all forms of "self-harm" and deceit. I had to get honest from the inside out. My "authentic self", led by my inner-child aspect of self, could not and would not come forth to integrate with me when I was "false self" re-abusing her (me). There was no safety in that. There could be no trust in that. So, I maintain that one must change behaviour first and then one will experience feelings slowly start to change as thoughts change -- but only after one has ceased unhealthy behaviour. If you are waiting to feel better or to know yourself more or to think more clearly before you STOP the behaviour that is generated from your "false self" you will more than likely end up stuck right where you are -- re-cycling through self-harm and re-abandoning yourself over and over all the while only adding to your original pain thus increasing the work that you will have to do in order to get better.
Borderlines must learn to re-write their life-scripts. It is by changing behaviour -- in essence by ending the hate that one can then turn the page to a different recipe -- a recipe for self-love, self-understanding, self-acceptance, self-esteem that is found in getting to know one's "authentic self". BPD is a recipe for self-hate because, in the active throes of it, one is living from a false self that is invested in self-destructing. It is this same false self that perpetuates all of the lies and manipulations that keep "upping the anti" until all is lost.
Self-hate is a choice to stay attached to all that does not work for you. It is a choice to continue to add to your own pain. It is a choice to continue to invest in the past; invest in those who let you down; failed you; abused you; abandoned you; and, in effect, caused you to lose yourself in the first place.
It may not be your "fault" that these things originally happened to you -- but -- it is your responsibility to yourself that you do all that you can to heal your most profound loss -- the loss of your "authentic self". You did not choose to lose your "authentic self" to the original wounds of your youth but you will have to face, take ownership of and responsibility for these wounds now in order to faciliate the reclamation of the REAL YOU -- the YOU that exists on the other side of all of your pain. The YOU that you will find when you are able to develop your personality beyond the original damage. Your "authentic self" is the you that you have always been meant to be. It is the you that has roots in your spirit and soul and it is the you that longs to be healthy and whole. It is also the you that has the stength to make it all the way back. Within this "authentic self" that you need to find and identify in order to heal lyes a very wounded, hurt, vulnerable and beautiful human being. Come home to your "self". Make a decision to end harming your "self" in anyway, shape or form. You DO deserve to know and love yourself and to be known and loved by others!
There is no substitute for the work. Make a decision to do the work and to stick with the work no matter how much it hurts. The alternative, as you likely know, is to continue to hurt yourself (self-harm) which is only adding to your stock-pile of pain, anger and "self" hate.
© Ms. A.J. Mahari - April 9, 2000
Originally published at Suite101.com
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