Fat, it's the hunger, the skin-hunger and the affect hunger.
Fat, it's the longing to be held, nurtured and soothed. Layers and
layers of skin taking the place of mother. Fat is the soul wrapping
itself up safely, warmly and comfortably preparing to face the
emotional storms of life.
A fat ache
an unsatiable hunger
an ever-present need
a longing to be that new babe again
on the belly of a mother
who would feel warm--not ice-cold
and on the belly of a mother
who would hold me
keep me safe
wrap me tight in all the love
that she would have for me
oh yes, to be re-born
that is what this fat-ache is all about
I have had too strong an emotional bond with this fat
with my fat, with the fat of the women who have tried to love me
nurture me and failed so miserably to soothe me
the skin - the fat - the softness- the warmth - the safety - the fat
the hunger
just to feel
real.
I am fat because I have let it be a substiute
I am fat because I attempted to be a world on to myself
on myself, in myself, around myself by myself
I am fat because emotionally it suites me
FAT WALLS -- WALLS OF FAT
Rock me to stillness
In the warm, soft layers of your fat
Rock me to stillness
Still me with the movement of love
FAT WALLS
Still me with the movement of love
Rock me to stillness
Still me with the movement of love
Touch me
greet me
as I turn this cumbersome corner from childish to age-appropriate
insatiable finally satisfied
as I let go the longing desires of my youth
innocent dreams that I can hold no more
letting go
letting go
just to feel
just to feel
just to feel
all that I am on the inside of these walls
all that I am under the layers, the barriers, the walls, the fat
I am real
I am real
just to feel
just to feel
just to feel
just to feel
all there is to feel
Rock me to stillness
Still me with the movement of love
Parting is such sweet sorrow....
eating to soothe
eating to grow
eating to barracade myself
eating to dull the ache
eating to feel alive
eating to be fat
being fat to eat ... so that I don't have to........
I am fat because I am fat. Because I am fat it does not
mean that I can't be fit. I can be a fit fat and a fat
person that fits. I am fat because I am who I am. I am
fat, in part because my genitics dictate that and in part
because I have learned to soothe the hurts of life with
food. I am externalizing my pain. When you see my fat,
please see me and my pain and my fat; don't just see the
fat and think it's funny....there's nothing jolly or funny
about fat. Likewise, though, fat is not some horrible "less
than" reality either. Fat is just that -- FAT.
the fat ache from the very beginning when I lay on my mothers belly
ignored
Today I have made the decision to deal with the pain -NOW
Today I have chosen to be kind to me
Today I have chosen to take good care of me
Rock me to stillness
Still me with the movement of love
Fat, it's the hunger, the skin-hunger. Fat, it's the longing
to be held, nurtured and soothed. Layers and layers of skin
taking the place of mother. Fat is the soul wrapping
itself up safely, warmly and comfortably preparing to face the
emotional storms of life.
© A.J. Mahari November 1999