Codependence?

By Dr. Irene Matiatos Ph.D.

Some of the nicest people I know are codependent. They 
always smile, never refuse to do a favor. They are happy 
and bubbly all the time. They understand others and have 
the ability to make people feel good. People like them!

So, what is wrong with this? Nothing, really, unless the 
giving is one-sided and so excessive that it hurts the 
giver. Then, the giver is showing the signs of codependence.

Partners who go out of their way for each other are 
interdependent. Only relatively healthy people are capable 
of interdependent relationships, which involve give and take. 
It is not unhealthy to unilaterally give during a time when 
your partner is having difficulty. You know your partner will 
reciprocate should the tables turn. Interdependency also 
implies that you do not have to give until it hurts. By 
comparison, in a codependent relationship, one partner does 
almost all the giving, while the other does almost all the 
taking, almost all of the time.

By giving, codependent people avoid the discomfort of 
entitlement. Giving allows them to feel useful and justifies 
their existence. Rather than simply approving of themselves, 
codependent people meet their need for self-esteem, by winning 
their partner’s approval. Also, because they lack self-esteem, 
codependent people have great difficulty accepting from others. 
One must feel deserving and entitled in order to accept what 
is offered.

Codependent behavior is not easy. It requires a lot of work. 
It hurts. These individuals typically suffer with low self-esteem, 
depression, anxiety, and especially guilt, as well as other 
painful thoughts and feelings. They judge themselves using far 
stricter criteria than they use to measure the performance of 
others. While they are brutally critical of their own misbehavior, 
they are very good at justifying and excusing the misbehavior of 
others.

Codependent people misplace their anger. They get angry when 
they shouldn't, and don't get angry when they should. They have 
little contact with their inner world and thus very little idea 
about how they feel. Usually, they don't want to know because 
it gives rise to painful emotions. It is easier to stay on the 
surface and pretend things are peachy keen, rather than deal 
with the stuff going on inside.

If they were to look inside, they would find their emotional 
starvation. They are busy taking care of others. Yet, they do 
not meet their own needs!

They may put up with abusive relationships or relationships 
that are not fulfilling because any warm body beats (gasp) 
no warm body. Being alone is perceived as scary, empty, 
depressing, etc. After all, who will deliver their emotional 
supplies? Who will distract them so there is no time to deal 
with their inner life? Even an abusive relationship is better 
than no relationship.

These loving, giving people find interesting ways of explaining 
their behavior to themselves. Loyal to a fault, a codependent 
individual is likely to rationalize a loved one's disrespectful 
behavior by making excuses for them. "He doesn't mean it." 
"It was not done with malice." "It is the best he can do." "She 
had such an awful childhood." Etc., etc., etc.

The central concept is that the codependent individual "takes 
it" and "understands," despite feeling hurt. Waiting for 
brownie points in heaven, or for a loved one to be magically 
healed through their persistent love and care taking, they 
accept disrespect from others. It does not occur to the 
codependent person that it is not OK to "take it" and "put up" 
no matter what!

Much of this abuse acceptance occurs without the codependent 
individual feeling abused! More accurately, these individuals 
do not feel OK enough to expect respectful treatment at all 
times, and to notice when it is not forthcoming. Having grown 
up in a home where a parent or sibling demanded inordinate 
attention (due to addiction, illness, anger, or other problem), 
the codependent person is trained to care for others. Having 
grown up in a difficult environment, a negative emotional climate
is experienced as normal and familiar. This is why there is 
often little recognition of disrespect. If their partner is 
angry or upset, the codependent individual will implicitly assume 
that they did something to cause the anger. It does not occur 
to them that it is their partner's responsibility to deal with 
their problem and to treat others respectfully. It does not 
occur to them that it is their responsibility to themselves to 
stop another person's demeaning behavior toward them. But, how 
can stop disrespect when misbehavior is not perceived as 
disrespectful or abusive? Disrespect is normal.

An unfortunate side effect of the codependent person's willingness 
to ignore, excuse, or otherwise allow the partner's abuse or 
disrespect, enables the misbehavior directed at them to continue 
and intensify. Implicit or explicit permission to continue 
misbehaving is granted since the codependent partner "understands."

Because codependent individuals are approval-driven, they cannot 
stand it when others are angry at or disappointed with them. As 
such, they unwittingly place themselves in a position to be taken 
advantage of. The more approval is needed, the less likely is 
the individual to realize the extent of their self-sacrifice in 
favor of tending to the needs of the other. This hurts 
("Ouchhh!"), and creates or maintains depression and low 
self-esteem, in a vicious, downward spiral. 

While abuse, disrespect, or unrequited sacrifice angers them, 
as it should, codependent people do not realize how angry they 
are and at whom they are angry! Targeting the appropriate 
person may jeopardize a source of approval and self-esteem. 
To avoid facing reality, they distort it. Codependent individuals 
are likely to somehow blame themselves and rationalize their 
"over-sensitivity." They justify the other person's behavior 
by thinking they must deserve the treatment they are getting. 
This is preferable to facing the possibility that an individual 
who provides a measure of their self-esteem is hurting them.

 "Anger...is a signal that something is wrong and needs 
attention". 

Anger is healthy. It is a signal that something is wrong and 
needs attention. However, if the source of anger is not 
articulated, how can it be fixed? Codependent people are expert 
at denying anger and turning it against the self - into sadness 
and depression. Instead of asking themselves why are they are 
putting up with… (fill in the blank), they ask themselves how 
they could have behaved differently - to obtain a more favorable 
reaction from their partner!

Unarticulated anger is often misdirected and expressed 
inappropriately. Anger may be experienced as resentment, 
expressed as an aggressive blow-up, or in passive-aggressive 
acting out. The cognitive and verbal skills to appropriately 
assert oneself are lacking.

Since codependent people are experts at controlling other 
people's thoughts, feelings, and behavior, they feel hurt that 
others don't reciprocate and "know" what they need. "If they 
really loved me, they would know." Not so! Since codependents 
do not have the self-esteem to ask for what they secretly want, 
they are unlikely to get it. If they do make a request, it is 
often a roundabout hint. If their partner cannot decipher the 
request, they feel hurt and unloved. They believe they conveyed 
their desires, when, in fact, they have not!

Because most codependent individuals are control-oriented, they 
are very responsible. They are great employees. Tasks are done 
thoroughly and on time. Even parts of the job that are not theirs 
get picked up if coworkers are neglectful or slow. They try to 
control outcomes, whether those outcomes are completed job tasks 
or reactions from other people. Anything for approval.

However, some codependent individuals are very irresponsible, 
in select or diverse life areas. They don't know how to or don't 
feel the need to take care of some of their own basic needs, 
especially if there is another person to care for instead. Why 
spend the time trying to figure out what the self needs, when 
the self doesn't really matter anyway? It is far more preferable 
to be out avoiding one's own issues: out having fun, hunting for 
a partner, or self-medicating feelings.  

Codependent people are addiction prone. They may drink too much, 
shop too much, eat too much, etc. Dulling the senses is a great 
way to avoid knowing yourself and dealing with your feelings. 
Intimacy is avoided. Intimate behavior requires familiarity and 
comfort with one's internal world. Since the codependent person 
regards ordinary human needs as shameful, embarrassing, dangerous, 
or otherwise uncomfortable, meeting basic needs are often dismissed.

Any relationship that ignores the self is superficial. 
Unfortunately, superficial relationships are safe...but empty and 
unfulfilling. 

Control is central to the "MO" of the codependent person. They 
control their self-esteem by catering to others' needs. They 
control by their over-responsible performance, picking up where 
others leave off. They control by avoiding intimacy or by clouding 
the mind. They control by advising others on what to do. These 
individuals work very hard to control everything and everybody. 
Yet, they neglect the one person they do have control over: 
themselves. Read an example of taking control here.
 

Why Be Codependent?
by Dr. Irene Matiatos

Why would anybody spend time and energy to control outcomes, 
while actively neglecting the inner self? How can they do this 
and not realize they are selling themselves short? The Why: they 
know no other way; the How: they received very good training 
early in life. 

Any dysfunction in the family predisposes a child to codependent 
behavior. Children are biologically programmed to seek love 
and approval. They have to be cared for or they will die. When 
a parent or family member is dysfunctional, the child tends to 
focus on this person--rather than on enjoying a carefree and 
joyful kid existence. The child has to worry: if the caretaker 
does not care take, the child dies. For example, in an alcoholic 
home, little Sally has to worry about whether she can bring friends 
home - because daddy may be in a bad mood and embarrass her. 
Such events are training her in codependent thinking, the art 
of anticipating the other person. If mom is physically ill, 
Teddy has to worry about exerting her. Who would care for him 
if anything happened to her? If daddy is angry and controlling, 
Timmy needs to worry about pleasing him to avoid punishment and 
humiliation - and to get his conditional love and approval. 

Children are naturally egocentric. That means that they see the 
world revolving around them. If mom and dad fight, children feel 
that it is somehow their fault. Julie may try to make her parents 
happy by getting straight As in school in an attempt to keep the 
parental marriage together. Another child may have an abusive, 
or simply overactive older sibling. Since the parents cannot be 
there at all times to police the situation, the younger sibling 
may learn to anticipate the sib's moods and to behave in ways 
that might increase the probability of "safety." Or, perhaps 
daddy is depressed. Jennifer may tiptoe around him wondering if 
he is unhappy because she is not good enough. And so on. In sum, 
codependent thinking tends to develop any time a child is growing 
up in a home where life is not care free. Often, addiction can be 
traced in the family tree of these dysfunctional families, whether 
there is an active addict in residence, or not. Nevertheless, 
these kids have an adult they have to worry about!

The codependent-in-training is taught to walk on eggshells. To 
ensure survival, the child learns to be extraordinarily sensitive 
in reading the moods and thoughts of others. The child learns 
very early to pay attention to and tiptoe around the dysfunctional 
family members - at the child's expense. These interactions take 
place silently, implicitly. The child learns to ignore the self's 
inner needs, instead pretending that all is OK. 

When I tell my clients that codependent adults were once children 
who had an adult to worry about, some sharply disagree. They tell
me about the loving families they came from and insist that their
family members were "wonderful," etc. As denial melts and 
self-awareness develops, they begin to recognize the failings 
in a caregiver that spawned their selflessness. Sometimes, both 
parents were codependent, modeling no other behaviors for the 
child to learn.
 

Help! Can I Fix it?
by Dr. Irene Matiatos

Good news! You certainly can! You can get control over 
your life! You can stop trying to control the lives of 
others and take charge of yourself! 

While children are truly not responsible for their actions, 
adults are. To experience a more satisfying life, it becomes 
incumbent upon the adult to take control of the unavoidable 
childhood or present-day scars they experienced. Parent don't 
set out to hurt their children; neither do abusive partners! 
We get hurt and we in turn hurt others because we are 
imperfect. We may never achieve perfection, but we can 
improve.

It is important to remember that we are in part a product of 
our environment. If we mis-behave, we have learned to do so. 
The good news is that what was learned can be unlearned or 
modified. The best news is that, in my experience, codependency 
issues are in most cases not particularly difficult problems 
to deal with. 

I find a blend of cognitive behavior therapy with an emphasis 
on cognitive and verbal skills training combined with a 12-Step 
approach very effective. Many self-help resources are available 
from books to support groups, as well as professional guidance. 
"Codependence" is cocktail party talk. Walk into your local book 
store's self-help or psychology section and look around. Melodie 
Beattie and Pia Mellody are two of my favorite authors in the 
field. 

Books On Codependency


Also, check out some of Albert Ellis' cognitive-behavioral
work that helps in stamping out irrational codependent thinking. 
Self-help groups such as ALANON and CODA are 12-Step programs 
that have their own formula help change codependent behavior.

So, go to therapy. Read, get to a meeting. Get yourself evaluated 
for medication if you are depressed. Do whatever you need to do. 
As an adult, you have options. You can take control of your life! 
You are the only one who can take control of your life.

as of December 7, 2000