Borderline Personality Disorder

every single word spoken analyzed,
dissected, to find its hidden meaning.
having complete assurance - that it is you they ostracize,
and the, your heart begins its bleeding.

emotions, thrown in the washer, spin cycle, hot, cold, delicate, rinse
it has been too long, that i have not felt, rung-out.
nothing seems to make sense,
trust. myself. i always doubt.

the pit grows larger, with each passing day,
an eternal black hole.
hanging on to each word, each act of kindness that is thrown my way,
hoping that something, someone, anything can
fill the emptiness of my soul.

my life a see-saw, up down never know
where i'll end up,
or who i will become.
always battling, fighting a war
that seems it can't be won.

broken^wing

each time i hear your voice,
the memories of you,
seep through my veins.
a whole life changed,
by just one choice
and left behind, the rubble ruins,
that nothing in life stays the same.

they my heart declares its truth,
of never loving another...
the way its loved you.
o, the insanity of this,pain
plagued youth
missing out in life, on all that was due.

never feel quite good enough,
and tired of contending...
for trying to make up,
for all that its lacked.
and it screams, there is not more
pretending,

for death has swallowed it up today,
the stench of rotting flesh,
fills up, this hearts home.
the betrayal's aroma, from
loves decay,
a bitter fragrance of one
left alone.

bRoKeN^wInG



Abandonment

as a borderline, the fear of abandonment is my ultimate nightmare.  
whether it is a reality or in the imagination, we live on the edge 
of this paradox, always waiting, looking, expecting to be rejected, 
abandoned. it is this fear that drives us. this fear of abandonment 
is the skeleton within the frame work of our minds.  everything else 
within its body built on, connected to, and has its being based on 
that common thread. our perception of each situation, each 
relationship and its current or future potential that this fear 
will become our reality.  i know in my own life, living with BPD, 
this fear has caused much heart ache.  always living within that 
skeleton, pushing and pulling with each person whom i feel a 
connection.  wishing that they will be true, and faithful, but other 
times expecting them to react and leave as so many people have done 
in our lives.  it is this crazy see saw effect, that ultimately brings 
about the consumation of the BP's worst fear.  constantly doubting, 
questioning the motives, and the committment of the one they hold 
close ...  needing continued validation which eventually breaks down 
the love that the other person has for them. then it opens up a door, 
to a whole other world, of regret, in the life of the BP.  knowing 
that they want to trust, to believe, but at the same time the machine 
within their mind continues its journey of destruction, the sabatoging 
of relationship.


bRoKeN^wInG







Love's Garden

Borderline Depression/Divorce

my garden now a grave-yard,
where love does not dwell
only shadows cold and far
whispering a "wish-you-well"

no more flowers in spring
will my garden grow
only stone rocks that sadly sing
of death from down below.


bRoKeN^wInG






Fears/Borderline, Searching for Meaning - Depression


sitting in caged panic,my life, a jig-saw
puzzle.
filtered through the mesh, as close as
unreachable
stars,never will i have the
freedom
to collect all its pieces and make a pertty
picture.

daffdils and posies, all bright
red
not at all reminiscent, of
rosy
or heart felt splendor,but
inticed
are, brave longings for
death.

people crawling through me, in a
battle
scarred obstacle course, evading land
mines
dodging bullets,hurdling barriers,wadding thru slimy
pits
trying to escape,the
siege.

being so close, to
another
that you can feel their
breath
hot and stale, covered with
sin
a silent boiling, comes foaming up from
out
of this womb, silent screams of mortal
doom.

no one hears, their impeccable
groanings
on white-washed walls, hang phony
pictures
meant to distract from the
stains
but weakly hiding the black
blood
that drips out its veins, in
pain.

in the cave of my
mind
i can hear its echoes, the horrible
screams
but no sounds rise from my lifes, in this colossial
confussion
i the only one who hears their callings, shriek in
madness
hoping, wishing, praying its just a
dream.

bRoKeN^wInG








They say happiness is a choice, 
Yea, like a bullet in the head. 
Can't they hear the voice, 
I wish I were dead. 

Don't they know; 
if it were up to me, 
smiles and laughter would I show, 
happy is what I'd be. 

But the many wisher-wells, 
Speak their lull-a-byes, 
And think they've, cast a spell, 
To break my will ,to die. 

But friends of Job they are, 
And comfort ,less as much, 
For all they do, is scar, 
With their thought-less touch. 

So please don't wish-me-well, 
Hard it is, you do try, 
For I'd have something to tell, 
Just hold me, while I cry

broken^wing








Where is the child, who chases sweet dreams? 
who's Slipping away, Clinging to hope, 
drowning in Tears, looking for Love, 
Finding broken promises, Feeling cold chills, 
hearing the Silence, living with Lies, 
Choking on fear, Reaching for love, 
while Crying in Pain. 
When will she find one person who cares? 

just open your Heart, hold out your Arms, 
take Her in, help Her forget, all the Dark times, 
and the Cruel love, 
Just let her have, a Night of deep sleep, 
to dream in a Place, where hurt is Locked out, 
to Sleep in a bed, where Pain is no more. 
One wouldn't think that is too much to ask, 
but one doesn't know the secrets she holds.


broken^wing







I shake with fear inside, 
to the depths of My soul. 
I could not, I would not, 
wish this feeling, this pain, on anyone. 

so now I grieve, 
I weep, for those lost years. 
for time gone by, 
I grieve for the little girl, 

that was so afraid, so scared. 
the little One who was all alone, 
with no one to care. 
the Girl who just wanted love, 

for someone to be near. 
the One who was robbed of innocence, 
then, I want to scream, 
to destroy him, 
to fight for the little Girl, 

to be Her protector, 
Her nurturer, 
Her shelter, 
to take Her in, 
keep Her safe. 

it make me so incredibly angry, 
so full of rage, that someone, 
anyone could slay a Child's spirit, 
in such, an evil way.


broken^wing




Borderline Personality Disorder