The Question: Can you be alone? Why or why not? What is the difference as you understand it between being alone and being lonely?

This is a bit of a tricky question. I can be a social butterfly or I want to sink into the floor because I will be uncomfortable. Sometimes I like to be alone so that there is no noise around. Then I can talk to myself which I tend to do outloud. I really do this to get me moving, doing, focussing. Sometimes I think I will go crazy If I don't talk to someone else and often I need to talk to someone to use them as a sound board. There are times when I'm in a crowd or even with friends that I feel so alone, almost removed from the rest and watching through lenses or filters. I probably didn't answer yr question, but this is what I can sy about myself.

Chantal

For me alone and lonely are quite different........and this won't be a long winded post (I hope)

Alone is something I enjoy...alone is a time when I need to be with an individual but there is nobody to be with at that time.

To be alone is for me a time that I enjoy doing things on my own, it might be reading or it might be a quiet night watching television or it might be writing in my journal.

Carol

The way i understand it (this is just my opinion)- being alone is where you don't have any other people around you literally- being lonely is where there may be people there, but you still feel so alone. i know that i can feel lonely in a room full of my friends- because i feel like they don't care about me, and that i don't belong there.

But even though for me being alone isn't necesscary to feel lonely, i still can't stand to be alone. I hate it! Every week at my piano lesson i deliberatly get into a huge argument with my piano teacher (who is also one of my friends) about something or other- desperatly trying to make the lesson last longer so that i don't have to leave. Of course, she's not very impressed with this and it only serves to drive her further away from me. And i know that it's not unreasonable of her to expect me to leave after our lesson has finished. I guess i'm just crazy. Anyway, i'm getting off the topic, sorry.

Jen.

Can I be alone? I am ALWAYS alone, even in a crowd of people. I am trying to learn to cope with that and trying to learn not to panic when I think about it (when I think about it I usually just freak out). As for being lonely - well I think that is how I feel always and my aim is to reach a day when I can feel comfortable being alone and not feel lonely.

Nerrida

To me, being alone is being content to just be with myself. Sometimes, when no one is around I feel comfortable, secure and able to keep myself occupied with some activity.

At other times, I feel a deep sense of aloneness - trapped in an abyss of emptiness. Here I am disconnected from myself and the world. It is a cold place, a place of eternal nothingness, a dark place deep in my soul. Even in a room full of people, I can feel this loneliness.

This kind of loneliness has been one of my greatest struggles. There was a time that I could not bear to be home alone. There has been progress though. By keeping very busy with work and activities outside of the home, there a times that I actually enjoy being by myself.

Cinda

It is a bit difficult to express my feelings/experiences regarding this topic in english, but I will try. To be alone means for me to be SAFE but the price I have to pay for this is this feeling of emptiness inside. The deep dark hole inside. And when these feelings take over 'to be alone' is turning into being 'lonely'. The longing for some kind of (unclear) symbiotic coexistence becomes overwhelming.

On the other hand do I have great problems having nearer contacts to other humans.

So it is (at the moment) virtual impossible for me to have some kind of (nearer) relationship (pseudo-symbiotic or whatever) because I am scared and full of fears of all kind. A vicious circle that is what it is.

CHRIS

Chris,

I think you are doing an excellent job conveying your emotions and intellectual analysis through the english language. I can appreciate how it is safer to be alone, because no one can hurt you there. Unfortunately, the "deep dark hole inside" makes us long for that psudo-symbiotic relationship. And so the lonlieness eventually forces us to reach out...sometimes for the better, but other times making things much worse. And so the cyclic nature of our struggle continues.

Mish

My job requires that I spend a few nights alone in a hotel every week. I am fine these nights. But when I am at home and alone its quite different. I feel then that I am alone because my friends are all together and avoiding me. This is really bad when I'm pretty down. Being alone then for 5 minutes can make me start crying. But for the past few weeks, I've felt pretty good. Great at times. I even met a great guy Sunday and he stood me up last night, and it hasn't upset me.

I guess I mean when I am in a down cycle, being alone at home is very, very hard. It drives me crazy. That is when I feel lonely. But when I am on the up swing, it feels kind of good to be alone and responsible for taking care of myself. The odd thing is I have no real triggers for when I feel good and when I feel bad. During this particular up swing I've even had horrible nightmares and it hasn't phased me. I've also noticed that when I'm feeling good, my friends tend to come around and call a lot more often. It sounds shallow, but they aren't. I don't blame them. I don't like to be around me when I get so desperate and sad.

Jill

I can be alone, in fact, I LOVE being alone. I hate being constantly around people, especially large groups of people. I hate to say this, but sometimes even Toes gets on my nerves and he just thinks he's a people. What I hate is being lonely. Like others have posted, you can be lonely in a crowd. I've been lonely when my ex was in the house even before we were separated. When I'm lonely I cling to Mr. Toes and he usually takes off like a bat out of hell. Loneliness is a lack of connectedness between people. People don't have to be together to be connected, but they have to be secure in that connection in order to not be lonely.

Ericka

Sometimes I enjoy being alone. Other times I want to scream as I just hate it. There are times when I'm with people I love dearly and yet feel completely alone. I can be laughing and looking like I'm really enjoying the moment and yet inside I feel this awful emptyness and oh so lonely. There are times when I just want to be alone, even in the middle of "happiness". Times like that I end up being self-destructive.

Cynthia Jane

yes, i can be alone. i prefer to be alone. people scare me. it's rare that i'm lonely. i enjoy solitary activities; reading, watching movies, going online...things that connectme to the outside world sacre me. when my phone rings i jump out of my skin. iim also frightened of checking the email account that my friends use.

roi

In addressing this topic, I'll quote my favorite movie, Barfly.

Faye Dunaway, "I hate people. Do you hate people?" Mickey Rourke, "No, but I seem to feel better when they're not around."

People always seem to disappoint, yet I keep turning to others for validation. I hate to be alone, but I can't stand having anyone around. I love to be alone, but I'm always wondering who my next audience will be.

And yes, surrounded, yet lonely. That is always the case. Lonely is a big, huge void inside. Why I'm still alive? Trying trying trying to fill that void with sex, alcohol, drugs, love. Hey, that's how they do it in the movies! This is how I exist.

I told my therapist I wanted to have a child (I'm 32) to make me less lonely and to have someone to love. He didn't think that was such a good idea, so I wanted to prove him wrong by getting pregnant. Luckily I came back to someone's reality other than my own before I got my chance to *show him*.

amy m.

I CAN be alone. I even LIKE to be alone. Except for one thing: I will always want to be with my boyfriend more than I want to be alone. I don't want to be around anyone but him but I want to be around him CONSTANTLY. Then again, I don't really fret about it when I AM alone...

I dunno.

Amy

I often look forward to being alone. I like being able to do what I want lounge around and zone out. But after about an hour of this desired time, I feel lonely- as if I don't matter to anyone, that the world is going on without me. I think part of this has to do with identity stuff. I am constantly looking for other people to define who I am - so when I don't have other people around - I feel lost like I don't exist. Maybe its a feelign of not existing unless I have a role to play. I am learning to be myself. I am learnign to just be without feelign liek I have to "be a certain way.

Tai

I like to be alone. I'm an introvert, and it takes energy for me to be with people. I have always been good at amusing myself, even as a small child. Except for being with my partner, being alone is much easier than being with people.

Being alone is not having any other people around. Being lonely doesn't have anything to do with whether there are people around or not. Like others who have responded to this, I can be lonely in a crowd. Actually, I usually feel lonely if I'm in a crowd, because I can't connect to that many people. Lonliness is an emptiness inside, a feeling of being isolated, or abandonded. It feeds on itself, because if I'm lonely, I get scared that I'll always be lonely. If I know there are people who care about me, I don't easily get lonely.

DJ

I need to be alone. When I don't have enough alone time I get very upset. I've also liked being by myself but I've never needed it like I do now. I'm married to a man who hates to be alone. Great combo.

You can be lonely any place with anyone at anytime. You don't need to be alone to be lonely. Sometimes I feel terribly lonely with my illness.

As much as I love and need to be alone, the thought of being old, sick and alone is terrifying to me. I think the reason I can so enjoy my alone time is because I'm not truly alone.

One of my biggest fears is to be all alone at night and be sick and have no one there to help me. It terrifies me to no end.

Evelyn

You ask the difference between being alone and being lonely. I would quote the religious scholar Paul Tillich, who said, "Our language has wisely sensed the two sides of man's being alone. It has created the word loneliness to express the pain of being alone; and the word solitude to express the glory of being alone."

I fluctuate between loneliness and solitude. I first found solitude as an awkward teenager--unlike those around me who weren't abused or molested. I could live in a fantasy world of books and occupy myself with reading, researching, and collecting. I didn't "need" anyone. Later on, my first roommate taught me how to laugh at myself--yet another way to pass the solitude.

I didn't let too many people in because I didn't trust them. But there were the times, such desperate times, when I wanted to be like others. I wanted to have some friends; I wanted invitations to parties. It was important to be invited even if I didn't go to a function. After awhile the solitude changed to loneliness, particularly after my partner died by her own hand.

Can I be alone? Yes, though it doesn't feel good at times. Will I continue to be alone? Yes, I feel unlovable. Not many people will ever give me a chance.

Both Ralph Waldo Emerson and May Sarton refer to the times (and seasons) when one must be alone. But they both emphasize that there will always be a time to go out among people again. I stay home: sometimes liking it, sometimes in despair over it. May there come a day that I may go out again.

The lost loner, Joan